My how time flies! As it’s been three months since I last posted I thought I would choose my favorite Instagram posts of the last few months to share the wild and crazy events! For the full story please check out my Instagram page to get the juicy daily details!

Here’s a brief description of the last three months:

Got stellar results back from a CAT scan in September, 2019!
Had to move out of my yurt due to a mold outbreak. I’m currently in the process of total mold remediation and hopefully will move back soon. I am very fortunate to have another place to stay for the last two months.
My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Acute Myeloid Leukemia, but we received the fabulous news recently that her latest PET scan showed No Evidence of Disease (NED!)
I broke my left hip recently and was in the hospital for an emergency double hip surgery, which is why during my long recovery I have time to update my blog! I am currently in bed a lot, taking painkillers and am walking with a walker.
STILL ALIVE! ;-)

Thank you everyone for all the love you shine my way, I’m incredibly grateful!

With love and aloha,

Tara, the silver walker blur!

Finding the keys to the center of the Uni-Verse: I blindly walk forward with complete FAITH that my intuition is leading me in the right direction. Even though these changes scare the shit out of me and I’m daring to tear down the old paradigm to make room for more clarity, light, love and healing, it still requires tremendous courage! ✨💪🏽✨

I’m holding the preciousness of life with both hands, like a fragile seed that if not revered will fade to dust. I intend to plant this seed with the greatest care and witness it flower in its glorious BEING. 🌟

Healing does not happen overnight, it is a process of constantly checking in and reassessing what is serving one’s growth or not. It requires patience, perseverance and time. I’m not in a hurry and trust my body knows what it’s doing.

The GRATITUDE I feel for this body that is kicking stage 4 metastatic breast cancer out of its lungs, liver and spine is staggering. My FAITH that I will live is absolute. My JOY in life is FULL!

There is TRULY so much to be grateful for even amidst the scary changes and shadows on the path. The light shall always prevail! 🌟💙🌟

Reaching through darkness, confusion and any shadows of fear that might be holding me back from embracing ALL the divine gifts of this journey! 🔥

Seems to be my soul signed up for some HUGE lessons in the past seven years as it’s been one transformative lesson after another. These lessons seem to revolve around death, dis-ease and letting go of the unnecessary shards that hold me back from TRUE EXPANSION and growth. Like the Phoenix 🔥 from the flames I’m asked to leave and semblance of comfort, step fully into the flames and transmute the experience. 🌀

Turning the sorrow, pain and grief into gold
Precious lessons of impermanence
I will embrace all the adversity the universe has for me
Bring it on!
I’ll just use this material to shine my soul
Turn the darkness into light
And rise again!
Whole, in encumbered and bright! 🌟🙌🏽🌟
Reaching for the stars there is nothing you can’t do!

One foot in front of the other
One breath 💨 at a time
I will acknowledge and accept these lessons
I will not shrink from this challenge.

This is my response to the latest news they now my dear mother is contending with cancer-lymphoma and will start treatment next week. It’s been one family member (or close friend) after another diagnosed with cancer in the last eight years.

Tearing away the masks and the cascading thoughts that can bind me to suffering. 🔥🙌🏽🔥Questioning my reality constantly and the limiting mind pattern which threatens to creep in. Building up the energetic positive mind frame is essential to healing! 💙

I have been through so much loss. In the past two years two out of my four best friends have died young from cancer. I myself am journeying with stage 4 mets to my breast, bones, liver and lungs. I almost died months ago and due to chemo I’m thankful to be alive! In the last few weeks I found out my dear mother has stage 4 Peripheral T Cell Lymphoma and it’s in her bone marrow and brain. Phew

To say my mother’s diagnosis has turned my world upside down one more time is an understatement. I’m so grateful for ‘The Work’ of Bryon Katie and Bethany Webb. Yesterday Bethany helped me question the thought, “I can’t survive another loss.” The work is deeply powerful! What a blessing it is to dive into the shadows of my thought forms to truly see the mind truly creates limiting fear based patterns!

To examine the trauma within me after my dear friends deaths and my own daunting fear of yet another loss is such a gift. If I’m able to face my own darkness then I can bring forth the light of limitless possibilities within myself. The truth is, I am healing, I am doing well! I have brought myself back from death and am thriving now! I know the territory of grief and loss well. I led grief rituals with my horses for crying out loud!! (Literally - ha ha!) My roots are firmly rooted in the ‘Aina of my homeland of Kaua’i. This red earth feeds my soul as do my animals, family and friends. I am deeply blessed and I CAN survive another loss, in fact there are ways in which I can THRIVE through this!

Not to say it’s easy and damn, I don’t want another loss! To realize that I have the resources to get through what life might throw my way is deeply empowering. ✨ 💪🏽 ✨. So I’m choosing THIS reality! I have the ability to create my reality in every moment and I intend to THRIVE through whatever comes my way! So mote it be! 🌟🙌🏽🌟

Its like the turban I choose to wear here. I can present myself to the world however I want. I can wear a wig, go bald, wear a turban, hat or whatever. ♥️ How do you choose to present yourself to the world and YOURSELF? It is a DAILY CHOICE!

The Sisterhood of the Shaved Head

9/9/19

Grateful for dear friends who help along this wild and crazy path! ♥️ This is a photo of my beloved friend Kim Mears (who shaved her head months ago to share support of my cancer journey), my mother (who just shaved her head today as she’s going through treatment for peripheral t-cell lymphoma) and myself.

It’s been utterly surreal to accept and understand that both my dearest mother and I have stage 4 cancer diagnosis. My mind is still having a hard time comprehending it and the truth sunk in a bit more today as I accompanied my mom to her head shaving event. My mood was all over the place today as I swung from grief to acceptance to disbelief and back again.

Kim is an absolute angel on my healing journey. She’s truly stepped up to hold space during the most challenging moments. Tonight her and her lovely partner David Steinberg came to dinner and helped to lighten all of our moods. It truly takes a great deal of cohesive strength to walk this path and the support of caring friends is invaluable. We’re all stumbling on this new path and I know both Kim and David brought great comfort to my parents too. 💙🙏💙

My mother and I now share the shaved head, cancer journey experience. I wish I did not have to see her go through chemo and cancer, yet I have no choice but to accept it. This is her path and I must trust that her soul chose it for her growth. It’s just hard to see those you love suffer. It’s much easier being the one going through a health journey then witness your beloveds experience challenges.

Surrender girl 🙌🏽
The idea of being in control is just an allusion
Keep the faith that all is perfect and in divine order. 🌟

If you don’t have cancer PLEASE DON’T FUCKING offer me advice for how to heal cancer unless I ask you!! 😱 I’m so fed up with peeps offering well meaning advice like, just use lemon essential oil, move the toxins out of your body, let go of fear and embrace love and the cancer will disappear! WTF?!? How does anyone who had not walked this path and has experienced the sheer courage it takes to get up each morning while having a serious cancer diagnosis have the gumption to assume they know how to heal it?!! Really? 😡

If you’ve healed it after having metastasis in several body parts please TELL ME how you did it but if you have not even walked a moment on the cancer path yourself, please shut the fuck up! The respectful thing to do would be to ask me if I would like your advice but please don’t assume I want to hear it unless I say so. It is presumptuous and downright arrogant!

Unfortunately I have seen WAY too much cancer in the last five years. Two of my closest friends died young being 60 lb skeletons, my dear mother was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma and I myself have stage 4 bc with multiple metastasis in my body. I was told in the spring I would just live six months more if I didn’t do chemo and was literally dying. Now I’m doing chemo and it’s partially this rabble rouser, stubborn, strong minded Amazon self that is keeping me alive, plus the chemo that is poisoning my body AND the cancer!

Those of us with cancer, Lyme, other life threatening diseases know what it’s like to walk the edge between life and death. 💀 Please respect our path, have compassion and don’t offer unnecessary advice unless asked! Only WE KNOW what it’s like to be in our shoes. Thank you for listening!

With love and dragon spitfire,

Tara

🐉 🔥 👹 🐉 🔥👹🐉🔥👹🐉🔥👹🐉🔥👹

🌟STELLAR TEST RESULTS! 🌟 I saw my oncologist yesterday to hear the results of my cat scan from last week. Yippee! 🎉All the tumors are shrinking and there are definitely improved results throughout my body! The tumor cell count is down to 70! (Before I started treatment it was in the 900’s which is quite high! It gradually has dropped through out the months. In August it was 135. A normal ‘cancer free’ body is 40!)

So I’m quite happy about this! The last cat scan I got was in April which was just of my chest/lungs (I had extensive cancer in my lungs and sternum bone area. I could barely breath and was constantly coughing). Unfortunately I don’t have a cat scan of my pelvis (have metastasis in my left sacroiliac joint) and it’s hard to compare pet scans to cat scans. Due to the fact that I’m walking better and not in the severe pain I was in before chemo I know it’s improved! I’ll get another cat scan in three months to compare progress.

I was a bit nervous about it all to be honest as with the stress this month with traveling, my sudden mold problem and having to move my hip/back pain has returned. My wonderful oncologist assured me that the pain was due to the intense stress and lack of self care (which is what I had suspected!) Now that the brunt of the work is over I’m confident that the pain will dissipate and it is!! 🎉💃🏽🎉

✨ GRATEFUL for LIFE! ✨ ✨ GRATEFUL to be ALIVE!✨
✨ LIFE is GRAND ! ✨

Thanks for sharing in the JOY with me and for ALL the LOVE and SUPPORT, it truly helps!
♥️🙌🏽♥️🙏♥️🙌🏽♥️🙏♥️🙌🏽♥️🙏♥️

Those of you who face your mortality on a daily basis: What keeps you here on Earth with the decision to STAY here in this realm when you know you have a choice to live or die?

I have seen with myself and others with a life threatening diagnosis that attitude is everything. If a patient does not have a strong will to live then most likely he/she will die in the time they are predicted to die, “You have six months to live.” These fatal words will be believed and bam 💥 the patient will be dead in six months!

To speak from a raw place, sometimes death is very alluring. Life on this Earth plane can be tough, especially when the challenges keep pouring in. I have felt deaths peaceful presence by my side since my best friend Deb was sick years ago. I have become fast friends with this gentle spirit. She does not terrify me. I do not fear walking by her side to the next realm. I trust that when my time is right I will go.

I have met death so many times that I’m very aware that it’s a choice for me to stay on Earth or let this cancer filled body go and leave to my next destination. I have chosen to stay, to believe in healing and to soak up the wonders that bless me each day.

And sometimes my body and spirit feels crushed. It feels so easy to take deaths gentle hand and dance out of my beloved Tara form. ✨💃🏽 ✨

And this is why I say it’s a CHOICE. We CHOOSE every day.

Those of you who choose to stay, what keeps you here? 🌍 🙌🏽 🌏

I do not write this to evoke fear but to be real. We live in a death phobic culture. It would serve the conscious human mind to speak openly about death and thus remove the terror that circles around this topic.

I do not ask for sympathy or pity about my health journey by sharing this. I’m being honest. Don’t worry I’m not about to jump off a cliff! This topic is something that is shared by those of us with a serious health diagnosis, but is unfortunately not spoken about much. Time to change that story!!

🎉 Great news about my mom! 🎉She got pet scan results back two weeks ago which mysteriously and wonderfully showed No Evidence of Disease (NED)! WoW! 😮We all are THRILLED about these results!

It was quite a shake up for all of us to find out she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Peripheral T Cell Lymphoma along with my health opportunity. It is a great relief to know there is one less thing to worry about. Hallelujah! 🎉

Thank you all for the love and prayers for my momma and for keeping her in your heart. I’m deeply grateful!

This photo was taken on Kaua’i when I was a wee lass with my Mom and Dad. I love this photo and think it’s my first ever horse photo! 🐎 💚🐎

Raw post: We live in a culture where we’re told to put on a happy face. My mom used to tell me, “If you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m all for being positive and I try my damndest to find the light in the darkness, BUT there is something to be said for keeping it real!

I feel like shit today due to my chemo treatment. Someone just asked me how I was doing and I told her I felt like crap. The reaction: pulling back with avoidance by my honest response. Hello?!? If you ask me how I am doing, I’m going to be honest! Don’t ask me if you don’t want to know, as I’m not going to give you a cookie cutter response.

This is why those of us going through a health crisis, grief, drug addiction and all sorts of challenging experiences feel like we have to HIDE our reality. There is shame in not feeling great! What sort of bullshit culture is this that has no room for getting raw and real with what’s TRULY going on? Why is there such fear in telling the truth?

If as a society there was comfort in sharing the true expression of our experience, we would all be much healthier. Can you imagine a culture of people that actually expressed emotion in a positive manner? Try this: Feel the emotion, express it and let it go rather then carrying it around for decades like a heavy bowling ball! Do you know that unresolved emotions can cause illness and dis-ease? Think about it.

That’s my expression for the moment. How do YOU truly feel?!? 💙🙌🏽💙 I encourage HONESTY!!

11/2/19

Modern medicine, I tell you! Here’s the full photo of my hip and the two surgeries done on Tuesday. Left side: partial hip replacement with ball and socket joint. Right side: titanium rod from top of femur to bottom to prevent future breakage. Doc told me that quite possibly the right side could break in the future as that was comprised by cancer too.

I’ve been bed bound for the most part. Accomplishments:
🌟 Walking with a walker!
🌟 Sitting on a toilet (Do you know how humbling it is to receive help from kind strangers with going to the bathroom?!?)
🌟 Sitting in a chair (other than hospital bed) for three hours

It doesn’t sound like much but when you’re stripped down to learning to walk again, these things are huge!

This is BY FAR THE MOST CHALLENGING EXPERIENCE of my life! Yes I’m tough and y’all tell me how inspirational I am (thx you for all the love! ♥️🙌🏽♥️) but I’m worked! I have always prided myself on being able to do advanced athletics easily and now this cowgirl is learning to walk again. Talk about humbling! 😜

I’m dealing with a fair amount of pain and if I have the pain medicine doses received at the right time I’m okay. If I miss that window I’m in excruciating pain and need morphine to bring me down! 😱

I’m most likely going to go to a rehab facility in Oahu for a week or two as I need 24 hour care to regain my mobility again. I’m very grateful to have this option! I know that if it weren’t for this modern medicine I would be dead and left for the lions to feast on my carcass. 🦁 (My parents lead safaris can you tell?)

I’m hanging in there. I know my soul signed up for some HUGE lessons and I know surrender is the key. If I just accept my reality as it is I’m okay. It’s when my mind fights it and I think of how I used to be then I become discouraged. Who knows maybe this will be a blessing? Most cataclysmic events turn out to be blessings in the big picture

Thanks for all the love! Please visualize me healing. Love y’all so! 🌺

Ho hum. Grumble grumble.

11/5/19 - There is a video that goes with this post, to see it please visit: Cancer Warrioress Facebook page

💥 CHECK THIS OUT! 💥 I’m walking!!! Woo hoo! 🎉 One week ago today I found out my hip was broken for a month but my dear doggy pulling on me was the last straw. I actually heard a snap and the severe pain was totally dehabilitating! I was thrown into an emergency surgery the following day for not just one hip but BOTH hips as my kind surgeon told me it was highly likely my right hip would break too due to the spread of cancer. I was terrified and made a decision on the spot for a partial hip surgery on the left side and a titanium rod put into my right side, from my hip to my knee. Noooooooo! 😱

It was traumatic and scary beyond belief. The next few days I spent in a high level of pain with morphine as my best buddy and having to learn how to walk again. Day by day I pushed myself a bit farther and today I’m getting in and out of bed by myself, getting to the toilet by myself (BIG accomplishment! Do you know how humbling it is to have someone wipe you?) and taking strolls like this.. I’m elated to be finding my mobility again!

I thought I would go to a rehab center BUT was told I would NOT be admitted as I’m already at the level I would be when I was released from a rehab facility. The doctors are all blown away by how fast I’m healing and most likely I will go home tomorrow. Yay! 🎉

I’m very aware I have to take it super easy and curb my tendency to do too much. @eutu29tg big brother, I’m listening to you!! 😉 So I plan to line up a crew of fabulous friends and family to help me during this time. I’m told I won’t be able to drive for 6 weeks but we shall see about that?!!
Hey, I know y’all admire my fashionable hospital gowns. I think I’ll start a trend! It’s called the scarf/gown look.

Loving the laughter and warm aloha I’m receiving from the staff here. You can tell they are a joy to be around!

Next week: a marathon. Ha ha ha!

Thanks for all the love and prayers everyone, I KNOW they are helping!

Another three months rolls on by!