Scanxiety Time!
Scan Time!
My vulnerable share leading up to my 6 month scan
Aloha friends!
I have not posted for a while as I’ve been knee deep in getting my soon to be published book Grace, Grit & Gratitude completed! I’m excited to share that it will be birthed into the world in early August! Tune into my Grace, Grit & Gratitude Instagram page for relevant updates! I also have been passionately involved in the Onaqui wild mustang #haltthehelicopters round up issue. For more info about this tragic event with 400+ wild horses taken out of their natural habitat, please check out these important pages: Wild Beauty Foundation and the American Wild Horse Campaign.
I just had my 6 month scan! As this is such a big deal for us cancer thrivers, I was inspired to share some of my experience. I hope these entries shed some light on what it’s like for us cancer journeyers to live in our day to day lives. If you are on a cancer journey perhaps you will find some inspiration to light your way in the challenging times?
There are two different posts here written on 6/14 & 6/15. The top photo of Comanche & I is from 6/14.
If you are inspired to share feedback, please respond in the comments! I would love to hear what you think of this topic! Also feel free to share this post among your friends.
With great love and aloha,
Tara
Pre - Scan:
Pssssssstttttt here’s a secret: 🙊
I’m getting my 6 month cat scan tomorrow‼️
Has the cancer come back?
How much time do I have?
Will I die?
Or more correctly, will it be sooner or later?
Will I continue to be the ‘miracle’ case?
Yes, my darlings, this is the thought process & reality that us cancer thrivers face with every scan.
At this point I have sadly known SO many friends whom have died, aren’t doing well & are struggling with cancer. I am well aware that I’m the anomaly & it’s a fucking miracle I’m doing so well after being referred to hospice 2.5 years ago, having to have emergency double hip surgery from bone mets 1.5 years ago & all that shit. I share about it ALL & whole bunch of vulnerable stuff that only those closest to me know in my soon to be released book @gracegritgratitudebook 🎉
It’s a blessing to be dancing on the tightrope of a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. I appreciate life like I wish I did 10 years ago when I constantly complained about stupid shit. 💩 I wish I had the same awareness then that I have now!
Do I have #scanxiety ? Not really. To be honest I have been so caught up with the #haltthehelicopters #onaquiherd cause & getting my book to Amazon that I haven’t had space to get caught up in fear.
This is good‼️‼️‼️‼️
I figure that if it’s not the prognosis I want then I’ll deal with it then. If it is all clear with miraculous results like last time with my bones continuing to grow back & tumors shrinking then I’ll celebrate! 🎉💃🎉
There is no time to dwell in fear. It is a choice where I let my mind go.
I’m not so excited to drink the nasty yuck banana flavored barium tomorrow. Last time I felt like crap on a stick the entire day. 🤮 🍌🤮 I will deal. 👊🏽
Btw in case you don’t know this is my #mustang Comanche from the Reno, Nevada area who inspired me to stand up for the Mustangs. He has ‘saved my life’ numerous times, which I write about in my book as well. I owe it all to him really, which is WHY I need to give back to his herd mates. It’s a vitally important cause. These Mustangs represent the beating of my heart.
How about you? What moves your heart & gives you inspiration to face your challenges?
Post - Scan
Post Scan
My techno colored experience
Cat scan day today: I have been dancing with late stage cancer for almost 5 years now. The best advice I received when I was first diagnosed was “Don’t let cancer become your story,” from my beloved thriver friend Martin Tickle
This has been my guiding light. Like a Jedi warrioress I use my magic light saber to eliminate limiting thoughts that might keep me in a ‘victim’ state of mind.
I do not use this diagnosis to limit me, but to fuel my highest possible growth. 🙌🏽
It’s my reality, so why would I be pissed off cursing a diagnosis that has caused me to truly appreciate my one short & precious life?
I don’t think ‘fuck cancer’. I have never ‘fought’ cancer (so please don’t hold me in this frame of mind). The idea of ‘fighting’ comes from a patriarchal, war driven reality. I prefer to create my own reality. I am at peace with cancer.
I live my life. I don’t think about it all that much.
I focus on things like my animals, writing my book @gracegritgratitudebook , putting my energy into the #onaquiwildhorses cause & things that bring me joy and purpose.
I live with slight limitations due to monthly treatment & the damage that cancer has caused to my body but I am in acceptance of this.
My life is a beautiful blessing & I intend to live each day fully!
It is not an easy path.
All of you cancer thrivers have my highest respect!
The things we go through are inconceivable unless you have walked this path.
The daily mind worms of doubt & fear can pull the most resilient person down.
This am before my scan I drank two large containers of nasty liquid that left me nauseous. Then the nurse poked me with a long needle & missed the hole of my port. Ouch! 😣 This occasionally happens which usually brings up trauma of being in the hospital after I broke my hip & the nurses repetitively stabbed me with a long ass needle not connecting to my port, till I begged them with tears steaming down my face to get an oncology nurse as they gracefully knew how to do the job. When the PTSD comes up I do my best to let it go.
It is not always easy, but this is life.
In every moment you have a choice to create your reality. What do you choose?