For the Love of the Deep 🧜🏽♀️
Back into the water for healing
In the last 8 months, both my beloved mother and father have died. My mother’s death was expected as she has been dancing with cancer for over two years. My father fell suddenly and fast in February. Amongst a flurry of panic, scrambling to find him care, traveling back and forth from Northern California to Hawaii, I did what I could to help him. Alas, I am only human and despite how I tried to ‘save’ my father, I could not.
I believe that ultimately, after my dear mother’s death in November, 2021, after 59 years of marriage, he was utterly lost without her. They were soul mates, who adventurously traveled the world, embarking and leading safaris and forging a life that others would only dream of. As they had been together since he was 24 and she was 22, he did not know how to live without her. I understand.
My wish was to have more time with him. I had hoped to bring him back to his homeland of Kaua’i, Hawaii, where I live now. I had thought I would have at least a year or two more with him. I had reluctantly accepted that my Mom would die, but he was was NOT supposed to die so quickly! His death hit me hard. After he tragically passed, I realized how utterly close we were. I realized how similar to him I was. I knew this before, but his death and the absence of his continually present self made this reality even more apparent. Life became quietly surreal without his constant phone calls and texts. I was slammed me to the ground in profound grief.
I miss my Dad. His resonance, the depth of his dark skin, exuberant, loving, moody, enthusiastic and goofy self has left a hollowness in my life where he once eclipsed everything.
You could hear my father coming a mile away, his voice was that loud! The silence is sometimes shocking now, without his Portuguese self filling the room. I am getting used to the quiet and learning to fill it now with the depth of my own being.
It is now four months since he died. I am just starting to feel my feet on the ground a bit more. I still miss him, but I no longer fling myself on the ground wailing and asking him to please come back and “why did you leave like that , Dad?” Acceptance is creeping in, yet I still can be easily triggered by simple, unexpected situations. Watch the brief Instagram Reel I made about unexpected grief for more about this.
I was in Northern California in May to help pack up my parent’s house, which was a huge feat in itself (can you imagine how much they have after living in it for almost 60 years?!?) and hold a joint memorial for my beloved parents. During this time, I decided to do another underwater photography session with the amazing Erena Shimoda. If you have been following me for a while, you’ve seen some of my other underwater photos with her. This time I was called to be in the water with her to work through some of the profound PTSD I was carrying from not only my mother’s death, but my father’s as well.
The theme I played with this time was contraction and expansion. I was in a rough state of grief, shock and overwhelm when I met with her. Part of me wished to hide from the world, crawl into my shell and not have anyone see me and part of me wanted to be completely witnessed, while in the raw paralysis of my grief. You can see me expressing this theme in this photo here.
Erena is a gem! She is a gentle soul who works with cancer thrivers, people going through PTSD, survivors of domestic abuse and people with physical disabilities. I cannot emphasize how powerfully healing it is to be in the warm water with her and allowing whatever it is I am working through to transform through the underwater experience. I highly recommend you check it out if you are curious!
As this was my second time in the water with her, she suggested we play with Shibari which is a ancient Japanese form of rope-tying, similar to bondage, but is also a beautiful art. As my motto is to courageously try new things and not let my fears stop me, I decided ‘why not’? The experience was utterly lovely!
I am honored to be featured in one of her blogs. Please check it out, see more photos, watch a short video she made & read what I wrote about the experience by clicking here.
For those of you going through rough times, whether it be grief, loss, illness and/or adjusting to this wild and wacky world, I encourage you to take impeccably good care of yourself. Practicing self care, self love, aloha mā is where true healing lies.
I love all of you. Mahalo for walking by my side.
With gratitude,
Tara