A Journey into Covert Narcissism - A Vulnerable Share
Aloha friends!
As I am recovering from my monthly shots from cancer treatment (Falslodex to block my hormones & Xgeva for my bones), I thought I would share a little vulnerable update. Most of my other blog posts from the past many months have been videos I’ve released, books I’ve published or major milestones I’m excited to share. These are all valid shares, but I was called to share more of the emotional landscape of my heart in a personal manner. It takes some courage for me to share this! Here you go!
I had not been in relationship with anyone for many many years and in April 2023 I was brave enough to take the plunge with a man on island who seemed promising to me. Granted, my heart was already pretty fragmented after the death of both of my parents the year before. Meeting him seemed like a safe rock upon which to plant an anchor down for a moment. My intuition was telling me to be careful as there were red flags presenting themselves in the beginning of getting to know him, but I think due to the recent death of my father (who in many ways was the sun I orbited around), I ignored those potent signs that were telling me he was not worthy of my trust. My mistake!
Fast forward many months later and I was deeply involved with him. There were some wonderful moments, but as time went on my dance with him became more fragmented and confusing. I had been warned from his previous girlfriend that he was a ‘covert narcissist’. I had no idea what this term meant and I did not want to believe that this promising man would fall into the category as someone as wounded as a CN. His charm and romantic ways swept me off my feet, how could he actually be a total charlatan and a wolf in sheep’s clothing?
When his confusing mental maneuvers & criticism (made a video about this, btw) started spinning my mind out to the point of my physical body feeling drained after spending time with him, it was a serious RED FLAG to pay attention to what was unfolding. My physical body is highly tuned into my need for self care from my experience with stage 4 cancer. I reached out to his ex girlfriend again and she filled me in on all of the idiosyncratic behavior she experienced, which aligned perfectly with my own experience. I then proceeded to watch about a gazillion YouTube videos (there’s good material out there friends!), which validated that he was indeed a full blown covert narcissist.
I have included an excerpt below I wrote many months ago when I was in full discovery of this unhealthy cycle of abuse. Please scroll down to read it.
I realized that I was on dangerous ground and I had to GET THE HELL OUT! In the last few weeks as our romantic engagement unraveled and I was given more evidence of his need to constantly woo other women, plus his astute gaslighting skills, it became clear to me that things were becoming increasingly more traumatic with this man.
I broke up with him in the beginning of January 2024. It has been almost seven months since that fateful day when I courageously walked away from him. The first few months post break up were incredibly challenging to the point of pushing me to the edge of my mental comfort zone. This was exacerbated as he proceeded to get together with a much younger woman (twenty-four years younger to be exact, same age as my son) a few weeks after we broke up. Given that I live on a very small island (Kaua’i, Hawaii) and we were in the same social and dance circles, I would see him and his new young GF practically everywhere I went. This was tough!
The silver lining of all of this is that it has made me dive into some powerful deep inner work. I asked myself, “How could I attract someone like this into my life?” Of course, all the painful issues go back to childhood. With this understanding, I have been tearing apart family patterns and habits I watched my parents engage in to understand how my own psychology had developed. This has not been easy to face my own shadows. I am proud to say that I am beginning to understand on a profound level that my ability to respect my own boundaries and truly live in the concept of Aloha Mā (self reflective love) is what matters. In many ways, his behavior was reflecting back to me my own lack of self love for myself. Thank you CN man!
Next time I am brave enough to open my heart again, I will be highly tuned into any red flags that are present. (I made a video about paying attention to red flags, if you want to watch it.) I will also NOT COMPROMISE just because I am yearning for love. I hope that the love I am learning to give myself will help heal my past childhood wounds.
Meanwhile, through this experience, I have been living my best mermaid life. I am loving the freedom of being in the water, connecting with others in the MerPeople community and enacting this sense of freedom and play it brings me! You can see the video of me playing my fiddle above in my full mermaid regalia. If you haven’t seen my mermaid Instagram page, please check it out here: The.Kauai.Mermaid.
Being a mermaid brings me so much joy, that I even started my own mermaid business! Please check out my new website I created: Kauai Mermaid Experience. If you are called to learn the art of being a mermaid, embracing joy and trying a tail here on Kaua’i, please feel free to reach out!
Mahalo for reading my share here. Have you also experienced a form of narcissistic abuse? If so, how did you find the strength to move forward? I would love to know!
As a side note, I want to give a shout out to Christina at Common Ego who has helped me through her videos and coaching to navigate the quagmire of this narcissistic maze. I highly recommend her services! She is extremely skilled at what she does and is a wonderful person on top of it. Thank you Christina for helping me to find my own light again!
In conclusion, may you know how valuable and worthy of love you are. May you not settle for anything less then being treated like the goddess or god you are. May you listen to the signs and signals when others behaviors are incongruent with your values. May you have strong boundaries to protect and cherish you tender heart. You deserve this and nothing less! ❤️🔥
With love and compassion - Aloha Ma
Tara
Excerpt about covert narcissism if you are curious to know more:
A CN is charming as all hell and one will not recognize the pattern unless they are deep enough in relationship with one to see the shadows emerge. It is at this point that the damage can occur. There are those existing in the spiritual community, whom are highly revered that are like this and only few know of the harsh reality of such people.
The cycle is:
Love bombing: This makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world. It's hard to believe you met someone as wonderful as you him. You receive tons of attention and he seems so very perfect. You are the new 'supply' to fuel his wounded self.
Devaluing: Once you are under their spell, the slow degrading of one's self esteem starts to occur. You start witnessing the shadow part of the personality start to be seen. Rage fits, gaslighting and denial. The mask has to fall eventually.
Discard: They become tired of you. You are old news. They start looking for a new 'supply'. Outright criticism and mental manipulation happens, which leaves you totally confused and will slowly erode your confidence. You are either left or leave as you recognize the cycle. (I am of the latter.) NOTE: Neither is easy, to leave or be left, both are extremely grueling!
There is the constant need for 'supply'. When the Covert Narcissist is tired of you, he will start scoping out his next source of supply, which was you when the relationship was fresh and exciting. You might notice he disappears and you wonder where he is. He stops texting you as often. The love bombing that made you feel so special at first turns into criticism. You might wonder if he is starting to spend time with others, which could very well be true! (I found out months after our break up, that he was indeed spending time with others, which was a painful pill to swallow!)
The love bombing can be mixed in with the criticism, which makes it incredibly confusing as how can someone be so wonderful and loving and then cruel in a short period of time?
*If you are curious to know more, there are excellent books written about this subject, plus a million videos on YouTube about it.